All to you I surrender

Who knew only 24hrs this picture was taken on a brilliant night with 20 amazing people what we were to face 24hrs later. Since being back in London I've gone through all the emotions you can go through from feeling angry to just feeling so cold and empty. Last week Monday to Thursday was especially difficult all I could to was cry and just think "God Why?". It led to taking long walks in the earlier hours of the morning or just sitting in bed just crying. I've spent a lot of time with the awesome guys from FP and its been amazing. Brett our base leader has just been such a father to us all from coming up to Wales to support us to opening up his house for us all one evening which was amazing. For me I struggled with it all just the grief of losing a friend and another dear friend in hospital and just trying to understand "Why God?" but this last week I've just had to almost teach myself again that God knows and I'm a small human and will never understand because He is infinitely more than I can ever comprehend.  I keep having this picture in my head of a me and God trying to rest his arm on me and bring me close but each time he does I push him away or turn away but the funny thing is with this vision I keep having is that God just keeps going on coming and eventually I give in and go in for a cuddle of comfort from him. So this week Friday after giving my statement to police I sat by myself in Queens Road Wimbledon Church pulling myself together and I said "God I surrender, I'm hurting let your will be done only you know what to do" and with that I couldn't finish my little prayer because I had a phone call saying people were going out for lunch but like I began to feel a tad better like it wasn't much but it still was something. Since just surrendering everything I've began to feel better like Obliviously sometime its gets hard and I cry till I'm outer of tears but I know I have a hope that I will See Annie again in heaven and it will be in Heaven and I've begun to thank God for her life from the 1st time I met her at Newday 2007 then meeting her again doing FP year and growing in relationship over the year (Check out some of the Tributes that have been written about Annie or write your own by clicking this link). God is now in control so it's time to sit back relax and enjoy the ride.

Whats to do?.....There's no point but God only you know

Since last week there has been a lot of people I cut out my life trying to see how I'm doing and all the rest and It's just like why now? For me personally I just want to put on my headphones, wear my glasses and ignore them completely. Last night I began to think after a bit of an argument that left me feeling angry. TI he one thought kept running through my head and its just kept playing in my head all day today "Since October this whole thing has been going on, attempts to sort it failed or if it was half sorted it was with the notion things are going to be weird for a while, I walk away for the final time have a tragic accident in which I lose a friend and its all Soly you alright. Get on your horse and jog on don't need it despite the accident Nothing has changed". When it comes to it I can honestly say I've just gone on with my life pressed into God and just got used to not having them in my life and if anything forgotten about them because I've focused on my Fp family which relationally has helped get over them. 

If I think back God challenged me to live in unconditional love and stuff of which im trying to do but I can't. I look at Jesus's life and just how he was still able to go to Peter and stuff like nothing had happened and use him to be one of the first Christian Martyrs even though he denied ever knowing Jesus 3 times in Jesus's greatest hour of needed someone by his side. Or even the story of Joseph how he was his sold in to slavery by his brothers but in the end he was united with his brothers as Prime Minister of Egypt. To be honest the only people I need in my life are my family, Fp Family and a handful of others when it comes to anyone else I don't know but with God sending challenges I don't know what I can do but say father I don't have a clue with anything at the moment but only you know and I'm just gonna trust in you for I know you work all things for the good of those who love you.

God...........................I Just got to trust you

As I write this post I cry. This time last week I had just got to Wales to have a week of fun and rest with my Fp base after a long and intense year. By the end of the week I lost a dear friend and another was and still is in a critical state in hospital. For me physically I'm sore got bruising,cuts and other bits of physical damage but the emotional pain I feel is of a different level to anything I have ever experienced.

Since I've got back to London all I've been doing is questioning and shouted at God like "Why God, you gave her promises over her life and you took her, you know what you should have taken me what would have been the difference but you took her. When it was your best mate you brought him back to life!" I just felt angry and bitter began to question and say "Where is God in all this?". Then yesterday it hit me on the train to Kingston. I am Human, God is God its a done deal like there is no need to try and understand what God's reason for letting things happen only He is knows. Since then I just felt clueless on what to do and just began to cry and think "What is the point like I can't understand" but God does and I just got to hold on to him with everything I've got. As a musician I've been twiddling around on a lot instruments because I just want to process the way I feel, a way I can glorify God in this moment and a way my dear friend can be remembered. I remembered the song "How He Loves Us" that was written by John Mark McMillan but rose to fame by Jesus Culture. He too like me lost a dear friend in a car crash and felt disillusioned and angry but he gave it to God and in the that dark time he wrote the song. I can feel a song in me but I'm laying it down, God I'm trusting in you.

Angharad Clague

48hrs ago I lost an amazing friend. My heart is soo heavy with sadness,pain and just hurt. I've shouted at God saying "Why didn't you take me in the crash would have been so much better!?" In reflection I know I will see her again and she is probably looking down at me probably saying "Cute Solo-man" but I just want to say Angharad Claque I know at times my lingo was a bit unbearable especially with the use of ''Sick" and "Ridiculous" but Annie really and truly you were a beautifully amazing person and having got to know you through out doing this FP year it was awesome seeing you change and grow in God. It was a pleasure and I will always treasure the moments we had throughout the year especially the times with Tom (you always ripped him).

Annie God knows I love you and miss you so much but when we see each other in heaven be prepared for the Biggest cuddle ever.

Soly

xxxxxx 

It's a New Season

I feel as though there is a new season about to birthed in my life like I'm moving into a season of Just an amazing time with God. This week I was down in Brighton for a conference called Together on a mission which splits down into the Leadership side of the conference for Church leaders etc and Mobilise which is for Students and is what I went to.

I went into the week feeling its going to another conference but if anything I looking forward to getting away from London and just wanting to reflect on life and stuff but man did I meet with God. On the very first night in the main session Terry Virgo done an amazing talk and practically it felt like I was sitting in a room by myself and he was talking directly to me. He talked about hurt and pain that you get in Church life and some people are even on the verge of leaving. He called a response at the end and I went forward and stuff and as I got prayed for I just began to cry like nothing like I had been holding on to a lot of stuff that had happened in the past and like in that moment I knew I had to forgive so crying my eyes out and all snotty nosed (and still looking cool) I began to forgive and let go of stuff. After starting the week on that note the following days were about learning to trust God and just soaking in His presence, dancing like King David in worship times and enjoying fellowship with people and meeting new people. But for me the biggest thing at conference was what God said to me which I will mention later in this place.

Since getting back I've been looking at myself and just thinking about my life and just seeing what God is doing. Two things I've noticed is that for a good 2months, my general busyness in life has just slowed down like I have few projects here and there but I still manage to busy myself somehow. In life we sometimes are busy with everything like it's all just one big noise but as Christians God want us to slow down take time out and just seek his face. In Psalm 46 verse 10 it reads;

Be Still and know that I am God

Something in life we are so busy and we get worked up and worried about stuff that what we need to do instead of saying God where are you the attitude we need to have is exactly what the verse sense just to be still and know he is God of everything your going through, everything your worried about and just know he is in charge of your life. For me the biggest thing that God done this week was tell me to go back to where I left. He also reminded me that Christianity isn't a one man walk but it's a deeper than that and its all based on community. I thought about it loads like I was like NO! not a chance but there were 3 prophetic words about the changing of seasons and feeling uncomfortable about stuff in life but just trusting in God to pull you through.Today was a hard 1st step and felt very uncomfortable but it will get better.

Food for thought

This is a spur of the moment so I'm going to keep going till I run out of thoughts. For the last couple of weeks I have been in a world of my own and just thinking about life and just reflecting and here's a few thoughts I want to share. The last couple of months have been a rollacoaster emotionally, relationally, spiritually and mentally. Life for me in the last 12 months have gone from like "This is awesome"  to "I can't take no more of this". One thing I have noticed throughout all of this is my emotional,spiritually and mentally well being are very interlinked. For example when ever something happened that hurt me I would then react to what I thought was right for me. I think I was reading a book or having a conversation with someone but this statement made sense to me "Hold your thoughts and emotions captive in hard times in difficult times because they will hold you". That only started to make sense as I've been reflecting and it actually makes sense when you think about it. As a Christian I've been thinking about life and stuff and just problems and situations that life will throw at us but you know the saying "Lets nip is while its still a bud" well from just my reflections I think that's exactly  what we are called to do regardless of the situation or over time the situation will just spiral out of control and will get naturally fueled over being unresolved. I was thinking about an analogy just to make sense and pretty much help you picture what I mean and here's what I got. Unresolved issues are like being stuck in Quick sand the more you try to run or struggle the deeper you go. What you need to do is one pray for guidance, two seek counsel from wiser people and three ask for help so you can get out before the situations begins to affect you in major ways.

In Ephesians 2:14-17 it reads

For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.  And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near.

Reconciliation means “the procurement of peace between two warring parties.” God is never reconciled to man, but man is always reconciled to God. The war was over when Jesus, through the cross, brought man back to God. Man left God in the garden and God has sought a means through the centuries of bringing man back to Him. He succeeded through the cross. This is the ministry and message of reconciliation. The message is the war is over it's time for peace.

Charles Spurgeon on Love

"He loved you without beginning. Before years, and centuries, and millenniums began to be counted, your name was on his heart. Eternal thoughts of love have been in God’s bosom towards you. He has loved you without a pause; there never was a minute in which he did not love you. Your name once engraved upon his hands has never been erased, nor has he ever blotted it out of the Book of Life. Since you have been in this world he has loved you most patiently. You have often provoked him; you have rebelled against him times without number, yet he has never stayed the outflow of his heart towards you; and, blessed be his name, he never will. You are his, and you always shall be his. Jesus saith, “Because I live, ye shall live also.” God’s love to you is without boundary. He could not love you more, for he loves you like a God; and he never will love you less. All his heart belongs to you. “As the Father hath loved me,” saith Jesus, “even so have I loved you.”

That is Love.

Love is the answer

 

This post has been on my heart for a while and for me personally it been something that God has been challenging me with for a while now and it's the whole subject of Love.

Love is a very powerful word and these days especially with our day and age more precisely in youth culture the word "Love" always brings to extremes, one of which is the whole boyfriend and girlfriend being very lovey dovey and the other extreme is the use of the word just thrown around loosely for example a guy telling a girl he loves her just to satisfy his own sexual desires. Over the last couple of weeks I've been thinking about this whole subject of love and I started of by reading the Gospels and seeing the way Christ lived his life and just the Love he displayed to those who were classified as the outcasts of society. I then began to look at myself and think about how I measure up to his standard and without a doubt I failed but I began to notice a lot of things about my understanding of Love.

Firstly I read 1 Corinthians 13 verses 1-13 which reads;

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I also began to look for passages that mentioned one anothering. Here's what I found

Wash one another’s feet—John 13:14.
Love one another—John 13:3; 15:12, 17; Romans 13:8; I Peter 1:22; I John 3:11, 23; 4:7, 11.
In honor preferring one another—Romans 12:10.
Don’t judge one another—Romans 14:13.
Receive one another—Romans 15:7.
Salute one another—Romans 16:16.*
Greet one another—I Cor. 16:20, II Cor. 13:12, I Peter 5:14.
Serve one another—Gal. 5:13.
Don’t provoke one another or envy one another—Gal. 5:26.
Bear one another’s burdens—Gal. 6:2.
Forbear one another in love—Eph. 4:2, Col. 3:13.
Forgive one another—Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13.
Teach and admonish one another with song—Col. 3:16.
Comfort one another—I Thess. 4:18.
Edify one another—I Thess. 5:11.
Exhort one another— Heb. 3:13; 10:25.
Consider one another to provoke unto love and good works—Heb. 10:24.

The Biblical view on Love is so different to what we see in the World. We live in the a "Me,Myself and I" World where everything is based on what can I get to make myself happy and it's very individualistic. As I was thinking about my view on Love I began to think about the whole concept of "The focus of your attention". Like being a very big Football fan this World Cup I have seen my hopes rise and fall with how well the team I was supporting were doing. For example Ghana went out to Uruguay and for the whole game my attention was fully focused on Ghana and I was going for it willing them on but when the went out on penalties I just began to feel like noooo this can't be what happened. This can be the applied to some Christians that put all their attention and energy into worthless things especially with relationships. both parties in the relationship will put all there attention in making the relationship work and stuff that sometimes their own walk with God will determined to how their relationship is doing. I began to think about the passage in 1 Corinthians and for me personally the love that is spoken in that passage is Unconditional Love and this is what God has been challenging me to do. Just a study of Jesus life shows that he loved us so much that he done two of the greatest acts of love of all time. Firstly Jesus gave up his Heavenly Privilege and humbled himself to be a human being just like us. Just think if we were Jesus and we were in his shoes and we had to come down to the Earth full of sin, for me personally I wouldn't be able to that but because he loved us so much he did and to top it all of he died for all the sin of the world that had been committed and the sin yet to come but also to bridge the gap between mankind and God. Now that is Love and that's the challenge for me and also to you to Love as Christ did but remember its Unconditional Love as Jesus showed us we show others.

 

Welcome to my new blog

Hi there and welcome to my new improved blog. I deleted the old one as it was just very messy design wise and I wasn't to happy with it anyway. I thought with this blog I will do a lot more than just pour out my thoughts and stuff but I will do a whole lot more.
The purpose of this 1st post was just to welcome back previous followers and just give a brief testimony of my life up to this very point in time.
I was born in a God fearing family, My Mum was an Orthodox Jew and Dad always believed there was a God but lived his own way looking after me and my Mum and also my little sister Sarah when she was born in 1997. From what my Mum says she started going to Church in 1990 looking for God after my childminder who was a devote Christian told her about the whole Toronto Blessing stuff. So from then she pretty much started going to Kings Church Catford. It wasn't till 1997 when she gave her life to Christ and had been Baptized that my walk with God started. Pretty much all I knew was Sunday was going to church and what not and getting sweets and seeing friends but in the summer of 1998 that changed. For a couple of years Mum began to rally the whole family to go to a Bible week called Stoneleigh and we would go and come back but for me being a kid it was just like all fun. But that particular summer I met with God in a ministry time and encountered the Holy Spirit for the 1st time and received the gift of Tongues (it was only one word but hey I was over the moon) and I remember just feeling I know God. As I grew older all of that was out to one side and it was all about being cool and stuff. By the time I was 12 I was playing Sunday league football and thought church was for losers and old people. By the time I was 14 I had been scouted and was now playing club football and because of that I developed a very bad attitude towards my parents and in general I just wasn't cool like I thought I was the man and had the whole "gangsta" attitude. In 2004 my Mum thought I would be good for me to go away to Newday (Newday is an annual Christian youth festival organized by the Newfrontiers family of churches) that year. I pretty much thought "Ok whatever "and went in the week with that attitude and it wasn't till one of the youth leaders that I thought was cool persuaded me to go to an evening meeting that God just began to take all of attitude and my so called coolness and begun a work in in me. Just to put it so you can picture I walked into the evening meeting thinking "Im the man"  and walked out all red eyed,snotty nosed and quiet just in awe of God.
From then over time I begun to change I dropped the attitude and what not. Took up bass guitar which was very random but awesome. In 2006 I was diagnosed with Achalasia which is a rare disease of the muscle of the esophagus. This meant I couldn't eat with out throwing it all back up and I ended up begin is hospital for 4 and a half months. There were several times I thought I was gonna die and stuff and that was it but ended up having an operation and just feeling very low and what not till February 2007 where on the youth weekend away God broke in restored me emotionally. Life was awesome that year got baptized on June the 17th that year which is one of the highlights in my life. Round that time to started athletics just running the 100m which was cool and that was beginning to take of even though I was still pursing a football career with the old club I was playing for. 2008 was a tough year especially from the April of that year loads of things just got me in to a very depressed state and I was just in that pit tried to overdose but failed but in the November of that year while playing bass at a prayer meeting I cried out to God and I remember just the relief after of just feeling that a burden had been taken. 
 2009 was an awesome year thinking about it I gave up chasing the football dream and God gave me his plans through several prophetic words and what not which was cool. There were several challenges presented in the form of relational stuff with friends which is still going on today but just seeing His work in me like giving me the ability to learn piano and acoustic guitar supernaturally and just other things He has done for me gives me faith to carry on even though half the time I don't know what going on He does so I just hold on to that truth and journey on.