The Journey is not easy

At the moment life should be brilliant but it's not. Like I'm studying music and it's pretty much like one massive jam because all the best musicians and singer doing my course are christian so its just a brilliant environment to be in. I'm also signed to a football club on a youth development contract and its going very well and from that got several big clubs interested in me. Last week Saturday I got injured playing football within 15mins of the match. I sustained ligament damage in my right ankle after a nasty challenge. I've felt very handicapped since like I can't walk well without being in pain, running is a definite No. Yesterday I had a very crap day like nothing happened but I just wanted to hide away and just felt so low so I stayed in half the day and cried in bed I didn't answer or text anyone of my phone just let it ring or whatever was going on. Today Ive just been thinking "Soly whats up dude?" and just been thinking why I feel like this. Here's the thing I've realised having this injury hampered my ability to do stuff like I can walk but not very well, if I tried to run I would be in a lot of pain and not run very well and I think its the story of my life at the moment like things might be great in some areas but there's a real handicap in one area which is affecting me in general and just making me internally struggle and feel very lost inside the deep wells of emotions and thoughts. I'm finding it very hard too like just the mood swings and the last 48 hours have kinda been like the hardest but today while heading home I was listening to How He Loves Us the Jesus Culture version and I was reminded of God love for me and I'm going to hold on to that love with all I've got as somehow that I will never understand God works all things to the good of those who love him.

God...........................I Just got to trust you

As I write this post I cry. This time last week I had just got to Wales to have a week of fun and rest with my Fp base after a long and intense year. By the end of the week I lost a dear friend and another was and still is in a critical state in hospital. For me physically I'm sore got bruising,cuts and other bits of physical damage but the emotional pain I feel is of a different level to anything I have ever experienced.

Since I've got back to London all I've been doing is questioning and shouted at God like "Why God, you gave her promises over her life and you took her, you know what you should have taken me what would have been the difference but you took her. When it was your best mate you brought him back to life!" I just felt angry and bitter began to question and say "Where is God in all this?". Then yesterday it hit me on the train to Kingston. I am Human, God is God its a done deal like there is no need to try and understand what God's reason for letting things happen only He is knows. Since then I just felt clueless on what to do and just began to cry and think "What is the point like I can't understand" but God does and I just got to hold on to him with everything I've got. As a musician I've been twiddling around on a lot instruments because I just want to process the way I feel, a way I can glorify God in this moment and a way my dear friend can be remembered. I remembered the song "How He Loves Us" that was written by John Mark McMillan but rose to fame by Jesus Culture. He too like me lost a dear friend in a car crash and felt disillusioned and angry but he gave it to God and in the that dark time he wrote the song. I can feel a song in me but I'm laying it down, God I'm trusting in you.