Faith, Hope, and Love

The last the couple of week and a bit of my life have been a bit of a blur due to it just been completely covered in emotion. It wasn't till Monday on the way home from the Thanksgiving Service for my dear friend that passed away that I began to process everything that had happened in the last 3weeks (Just want to thank The Kerith Centre for catering for all the Fpers and just for an emotional but amazing day.) Since Monday there has really been a sense of hope in me like I still go through the emotional stuff which is expected but It's all in Gods hands. For a while now God has been teaching me how to love unconditionally no matter what was going on but just to love others as God loves us. For me it's been a massive challenge during this Fp year as I've been through so many relational difficulties which resulted with me walking away from a lot of people and just feeling very bitter. Since going to Mobilise (A New Frontiers Student and Twenties conference which is just really awesome (click here to see a few highlights of the conference this year. Might see a few familar faces hehe) God really begun to heal some of the open wounds and help me to get over a lot of the bitterness. I was really reminded of the work God was doing in me with all the hurt just going to watch Toy Story 3 with a bunch of Fpers earlier this week. It was an amazing film like Toy Story has always been one of my favourite films when on a lazy day just pigging out on Ben and Jerry's (aaahhh soo yummy!!!). The thing that really stood out to me was no matter what happened they were all in it together no matter what faced them and at times even went out of there way for one another (don't want to give the storyline away but it is a must see film trust me seen it 3 times so SICK!!). Even after getting home and talking to my Mum about the film she laid down a challenge by saying "Sol its good that your really getting what a strong Christian community is, but what about those closer to home".  I couldn't answer had nothing to that just walked up to my deep in thought and just said the one prayer I've Prayed so much which is "God you know.  I can honestly say my faith is now firmly routed for example last night I thought I'm going to go to a half night of prayer which I just got blown away at some the things that were said through other people just confirming stuff I've already heard before. Just to finish I can say is that I'm the one verse thats been on my heart is 1 Corinthians 13 verse 13 which reads;

  

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I've shared this gem of a scripture with a lot of people and just whats God has challenged me with and it has blessed a lot of people to the point a friend put it as his Facebook status. I don't know what God's doing but he is in control and I'm gonna just see how it all pans out because all I know is I find rest in Him.

All to you I surrender

Who knew only 24hrs this picture was taken on a brilliant night with 20 amazing people what we were to face 24hrs later. Since being back in London I've gone through all the emotions you can go through from feeling angry to just feeling so cold and empty. Last week Monday to Thursday was especially difficult all I could to was cry and just think "God Why?". It led to taking long walks in the earlier hours of the morning or just sitting in bed just crying. I've spent a lot of time with the awesome guys from FP and its been amazing. Brett our base leader has just been such a father to us all from coming up to Wales to support us to opening up his house for us all one evening which was amazing. For me I struggled with it all just the grief of losing a friend and another dear friend in hospital and just trying to understand "Why God?" but this last week I've just had to almost teach myself again that God knows and I'm a small human and will never understand because He is infinitely more than I can ever comprehend.  I keep having this picture in my head of a me and God trying to rest his arm on me and bring me close but each time he does I push him away or turn away but the funny thing is with this vision I keep having is that God just keeps going on coming and eventually I give in and go in for a cuddle of comfort from him. So this week Friday after giving my statement to police I sat by myself in Queens Road Wimbledon Church pulling myself together and I said "God I surrender, I'm hurting let your will be done only you know what to do" and with that I couldn't finish my little prayer because I had a phone call saying people were going out for lunch but like I began to feel a tad better like it wasn't much but it still was something. Since just surrendering everything I've began to feel better like Obliviously sometime its gets hard and I cry till I'm outer of tears but I know I have a hope that I will See Annie again in heaven and it will be in Heaven and I've begun to thank God for her life from the 1st time I met her at Newday 2007 then meeting her again doing FP year and growing in relationship over the year (Check out some of the Tributes that have been written about Annie or write your own by clicking this link). God is now in control so it's time to sit back relax and enjoy the ride.

Whats to do?.....There's no point but God only you know

Since last week there has been a lot of people I cut out my life trying to see how I'm doing and all the rest and It's just like why now? For me personally I just want to put on my headphones, wear my glasses and ignore them completely. Last night I began to think after a bit of an argument that left me feeling angry. TI he one thought kept running through my head and its just kept playing in my head all day today "Since October this whole thing has been going on, attempts to sort it failed or if it was half sorted it was with the notion things are going to be weird for a while, I walk away for the final time have a tragic accident in which I lose a friend and its all Soly you alright. Get on your horse and jog on don't need it despite the accident Nothing has changed". When it comes to it I can honestly say I've just gone on with my life pressed into God and just got used to not having them in my life and if anything forgotten about them because I've focused on my Fp family which relationally has helped get over them. 

If I think back God challenged me to live in unconditional love and stuff of which im trying to do but I can't. I look at Jesus's life and just how he was still able to go to Peter and stuff like nothing had happened and use him to be one of the first Christian Martyrs even though he denied ever knowing Jesus 3 times in Jesus's greatest hour of needed someone by his side. Or even the story of Joseph how he was his sold in to slavery by his brothers but in the end he was united with his brothers as Prime Minister of Egypt. To be honest the only people I need in my life are my family, Fp Family and a handful of others when it comes to anyone else I don't know but with God sending challenges I don't know what I can do but say father I don't have a clue with anything at the moment but only you know and I'm just gonna trust in you for I know you work all things for the good of those who love you.

God...........................I Just got to trust you

As I write this post I cry. This time last week I had just got to Wales to have a week of fun and rest with my Fp base after a long and intense year. By the end of the week I lost a dear friend and another was and still is in a critical state in hospital. For me physically I'm sore got bruising,cuts and other bits of physical damage but the emotional pain I feel is of a different level to anything I have ever experienced.

Since I've got back to London all I've been doing is questioning and shouted at God like "Why God, you gave her promises over her life and you took her, you know what you should have taken me what would have been the difference but you took her. When it was your best mate you brought him back to life!" I just felt angry and bitter began to question and say "Where is God in all this?". Then yesterday it hit me on the train to Kingston. I am Human, God is God its a done deal like there is no need to try and understand what God's reason for letting things happen only He is knows. Since then I just felt clueless on what to do and just began to cry and think "What is the point like I can't understand" but God does and I just got to hold on to him with everything I've got. As a musician I've been twiddling around on a lot instruments because I just want to process the way I feel, a way I can glorify God in this moment and a way my dear friend can be remembered. I remembered the song "How He Loves Us" that was written by John Mark McMillan but rose to fame by Jesus Culture. He too like me lost a dear friend in a car crash and felt disillusioned and angry but he gave it to God and in the that dark time he wrote the song. I can feel a song in me but I'm laying it down, God I'm trusting in you.

Angharad Clague

48hrs ago I lost an amazing friend. My heart is soo heavy with sadness,pain and just hurt. I've shouted at God saying "Why didn't you take me in the crash would have been so much better!?" In reflection I know I will see her again and she is probably looking down at me probably saying "Cute Solo-man" but I just want to say Angharad Claque I know at times my lingo was a bit unbearable especially with the use of ''Sick" and "Ridiculous" but Annie really and truly you were a beautifully amazing person and having got to know you through out doing this FP year it was awesome seeing you change and grow in God. It was a pleasure and I will always treasure the moments we had throughout the year especially the times with Tom (you always ripped him).

Annie God knows I love you and miss you so much but when we see each other in heaven be prepared for the Biggest cuddle ever.

Soly

xxxxxx 

It's a New Season

I feel as though there is a new season about to birthed in my life like I'm moving into a season of Just an amazing time with God. This week I was down in Brighton for a conference called Together on a mission which splits down into the Leadership side of the conference for Church leaders etc and Mobilise which is for Students and is what I went to.

I went into the week feeling its going to another conference but if anything I looking forward to getting away from London and just wanting to reflect on life and stuff but man did I meet with God. On the very first night in the main session Terry Virgo done an amazing talk and practically it felt like I was sitting in a room by myself and he was talking directly to me. He talked about hurt and pain that you get in Church life and some people are even on the verge of leaving. He called a response at the end and I went forward and stuff and as I got prayed for I just began to cry like nothing like I had been holding on to a lot of stuff that had happened in the past and like in that moment I knew I had to forgive so crying my eyes out and all snotty nosed (and still looking cool) I began to forgive and let go of stuff. After starting the week on that note the following days were about learning to trust God and just soaking in His presence, dancing like King David in worship times and enjoying fellowship with people and meeting new people. But for me the biggest thing at conference was what God said to me which I will mention later in this place.

Since getting back I've been looking at myself and just thinking about my life and just seeing what God is doing. Two things I've noticed is that for a good 2months, my general busyness in life has just slowed down like I have few projects here and there but I still manage to busy myself somehow. In life we sometimes are busy with everything like it's all just one big noise but as Christians God want us to slow down take time out and just seek his face. In Psalm 46 verse 10 it reads;

Be Still and know that I am God

Something in life we are so busy and we get worked up and worried about stuff that what we need to do instead of saying God where are you the attitude we need to have is exactly what the verse sense just to be still and know he is God of everything your going through, everything your worried about and just know he is in charge of your life. For me the biggest thing that God done this week was tell me to go back to where I left. He also reminded me that Christianity isn't a one man walk but it's a deeper than that and its all based on community. I thought about it loads like I was like NO! not a chance but there were 3 prophetic words about the changing of seasons and feeling uncomfortable about stuff in life but just trusting in God to pull you through.Today was a hard 1st step and felt very uncomfortable but it will get better.

Food for thought

This is a spur of the moment so I'm going to keep going till I run out of thoughts. For the last couple of weeks I have been in a world of my own and just thinking about life and just reflecting and here's a few thoughts I want to share. The last couple of months have been a rollacoaster emotionally, relationally, spiritually and mentally. Life for me in the last 12 months have gone from like "This is awesome"  to "I can't take no more of this". One thing I have noticed throughout all of this is my emotional,spiritually and mentally well being are very interlinked. For example when ever something happened that hurt me I would then react to what I thought was right for me. I think I was reading a book or having a conversation with someone but this statement made sense to me "Hold your thoughts and emotions captive in hard times in difficult times because they will hold you". That only started to make sense as I've been reflecting and it actually makes sense when you think about it. As a Christian I've been thinking about life and stuff and just problems and situations that life will throw at us but you know the saying "Lets nip is while its still a bud" well from just my reflections I think that's exactly  what we are called to do regardless of the situation or over time the situation will just spiral out of control and will get naturally fueled over being unresolved. I was thinking about an analogy just to make sense and pretty much help you picture what I mean and here's what I got. Unresolved issues are like being stuck in Quick sand the more you try to run or struggle the deeper you go. What you need to do is one pray for guidance, two seek counsel from wiser people and three ask for help so you can get out before the situations begins to affect you in major ways.

In Ephesians 2:14-17 it reads

For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility.  And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near.

Reconciliation means “the procurement of peace between two warring parties.” God is never reconciled to man, but man is always reconciled to God. The war was over when Jesus, through the cross, brought man back to God. Man left God in the garden and God has sought a means through the centuries of bringing man back to Him. He succeeded through the cross. This is the ministry and message of reconciliation. The message is the war is over it's time for peace.